The waiting is over.

Living with pancreatic cancer causes a lot of waiting.

Honestly – I guess the party’s over too!

I’ve had a wonderful 9 months of weddings, travel, family and friends.  And PLANS!!! I could make actual PLANS!

The ct scans have shown slow and steady growth during my break in treatment. Now, the tumors are large enough to begin chemo again. Right away.

Change ~ that’s the hardest part. I really enjoyed my status quo. I liked feeling pretty normal. I did feel uncomfortable without treatment, just letting the cancer grow. But it was easier to pretend everything was okay because my world was so normal.

Honestly – I hate not being able to pretend anymore!

Another shift – change – my trusted doctor has begun a “retirement – phase – out” so I was scheduled with a new doctor with the option to return to the old doctor until he actually retired. I like this new doctor and his assertive approach to my treatment; presenting several options. He’s super knowledgeable; he studied me ~ my history.  I have been haunted by the question of getting a second opinion. Now, I have one and I feel returning to treatment will be charged with new energy.

Honestly – I hate treatment!  It’s gives me just half a life.

I am returning to my first chemo combination with a change in the schedule, spreading it out, and a significant reduction in the amount of the evil drug that caused a drug reaction. It really worked well the few months I was on it. Tumors shrank and tumor marker numbers fell dramatically. I hope it will do that again. 

Usually you meet with a nurse before you begin to review the side effects of the chemotherapy, so you can be prepared. I remember these drugs caused terrible side effects. My new doctor asked if I wanted to meet with a nurse to review again. It’s been two years. I probably forgot a lot of the side effects ~ fortunately.

Honestly – I told him…no, I’d rather be surprised. 

Published by

kbraier

This is my blog about living my life with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer—End stage. I joked about writing this imaginary blog when I spent a year on a treatment that allowed me only 10 days to feel well enough to live a fairly normal life. (Actually normal doesn’t even really exist for me anymore!) To earn those good days, I spent the previous 10 days living in post-chemo treatment physical hell – that also became normal in a perverse way. I’m also writing to honor those who are diagnosed with Stage Four Pancreatic Cancer. You might live longer than you expect and I want you to have someone who tells you what that’s like. There aren’t many role models for people with this because, well, they’re usually gone. So, this is for you. Maybe your journey will be similar to mine. Actually, it will probably be very different because “everyone is different.” Even still, maybe this will still be a bit of a guide.

5 thoughts on “The waiting is over.”

  1. I prefer the magical thinking as well. But the reality is you may need some help as you start treatment again. Please give us ideas or jobs to do. Your village of friends want to help however you need it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Kathy, Kathy…. first off… our THOUGHTS and PRAYERS and LOVE are with you as you get back on the chemo-coaster. Thank you for sharing these new details so clearly in your amazing way of writing these posts. I’ve said it before but it is just like I am sitting across from you at the dining room table. Sending loads of love through the wires to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I just read this last night.
    Your thoughts and emotions are so clear in your writing. So sorry the news is not good and your routine will be changing, but glad to hear you are still in good hands with a new Dr.
    Get those boxing gloves back on!
    Love and big long hug,
    Paulette 🙏🏼

    Liked by 1 person

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